Breaking and Entering....and Cleaning

In this weird nightmare, I was home sound asleep when I was awoken by my front door opening. Whoever was breaking into my apartment was clearly not trying to be quiet. I attempted to get up but felt frozen in my bed so I just lied there. I then heard multiple footsteps across my hardwood floors. I also heard several voices but I couldn’t make out what they were saying.

　
Having intruders in my home freaked me out but I didn’t feel I was in any danger. Next I heard some other loud noises in my living room but couldn’t figure out what they were. Mainly out of curiosity, I dragged myself out of bed and slowly opened my bedroom door. In my apartment was a small housecleaning crew, vacuuming my carpets and dusting my furniture.

Wicked Smart Zombies

In this surreal zombie dream, I was at this huge and very old hotel. I was walking around outside with some people I didn’t know and we were attacked by zombies. But these were not your typical zombies. They were smarter, bigger and definitely moved faster. A couple of people in our group got mauled but a handful of us escaped to a basement in the hotel.

We then got into a battle with some zombies and I was throwing fire crackers into a large group of them. Everyone in my group died so I ran up some stairs, into a large room and closed the door and held it shut. Some zombies followed me and were trying to push through the door. It suddenly got eerily quiet and then one of the zombies started talking and tried to convince me to open the door.

When he realized I wasn’t going to let them in, they bull rushed the door and were making their way into the room. At this point, I ran out a back door, through the lobby and then down a big flight of stairs. I eventually wound up in a dark bedroom and hid under a bed.

Slide in the Clouds & Clowns at the Circus

In this lucid dream, I was sitting at the very top of a narrow steel slide that was well above the clouds.  As I slid down, I quickly gathered speed and couldn’t see anything except for the puffy white clouds all around me.

I was moving so fast that I started to fly out of the slide and then was I completely freefalling.  I kept falling fast but eventually I was back on the slide, near the bottom.  I then noticed that the end of the slide went into a huge pink and white circus tent.  When I finally came to a stop, I was in the center ring of the tent and circus clowns were all around me.

Pint of Tequila & Neil Patrick Harris

In this celebrity dream, I was hanging out with Neil Patrick Harris at a house party.  There was a group of people standing around a table drinking Tequila shots.  One of the guys asked me if I wanted a shot so I obliged.  He filled up a pint glass with Tequila and handed it to me. 

I grabbed the large shot and drank it down in just a few seconds.  My head immediately felt fuzzy and I proclaimed, "I think I'm done after this."  I woke up the next morning in a large drawer in somebody's bedroom.  I got up and stumbled through the house and out the front door.  I could see my car parked on the street and as I got closer to it, I noticed it was missing the entire hood along with the front and back left fender wells.

Blood on My Face......Top Down on My Jag

In this nightmare, I was sitting at a kitchen table with a group of people I didn’t know.  Suddenly two men with hand guns burst into the room.  Without hesitation, they shot two people in the head at point blank range.  Blood splattered on my face and all over the table.  One of the men shoved a gun hard into my left temple and coldly said, “If you move or a make a sound, I’ll blow your fucking brains out.”  While this was happening, the other guy pulled out a hammer and started beating people with it.  Since I was told not to move, I couldn’t see who was getting hit but could hear deathly screams all around me.

I then found myself outside, watching these same two men spray machine gun fire into another group of people.  I could see my convertible Jaguar parked in a carport about twenty yards away so I made a break for it.  Once I got in the car, I started it up and for some reason decided to put the top down.  Just as I was about to hit the gas, one of the men was in my passenger seat and yelled, “Let’s go!”  So I gunned it and the car roared by the group of people that were still being terrorized by the other guy.  Once we were well away from the chaos, the guy leaned over and said, “You know, under different circumstances, I think we could have been friends.”

I finally parked the car in the middle of a residential street but left it running and got out.  As I was talking to a group of onlookers, a guy I went to college with jumped into my car and sped away.  Apparently he was really drunk.  We could hear him screeching around corners and eventually he made his way back to us.  He slammed on the brakes and slid onto the sidewalk.  The car went up on two wheels, hovered in this position for a second, and then fell onto the left side.  My buddy got and said “Dude, sorry about your car.”

My Naked Ex-Girlfriend Works for Buick

In this lucid dream, I was at an ex-girlfriend’s apartment with a buddy of mine.  She was sleeping naked on the couch so I checked out her ass for a bit then covered her up with a blanket.  We turned on the TV and next thing I knew, I was skydiving.  I hovered above some large pine trees and then over a lake.  When it seemed like I was going to land, I would immediately get elevated again.  I floated over the lake for a while and could see brightly colored sharks swimming after a guy but they couldn’t catch him.

I flew over a golf course and landed on a frontage road.  I then found myself on a bike, pedaling furiously.  Right in front of me landed a golf ball, then another.  I looked back and saw a couple of guys hitting balls in my direction.  I yelled, “Ass!” but I don’t think they heard me.  Suddenly I was back in my ex-girlfriend’s apartment, standing in the kitchen with my buddy.  I asked my friend why he lived with my ex-girlfriend and he replied, “Oh, because she works at Buick now.”

Courtney Cox is my Girlfriend but She's Dying

In this celebrity dream, I was Courtney Cox’s boyfriend and we were lying in bed together spooning.  We were fully clothed and on top of the covers but there were a half-dozen people in the room staring at us.  Apparently she was very sick and didn’t have much time to live.  I started crying uncontrollably since I knew she was going to die very soon.  Nobody in the room said a word but they were all crying.  I was just about to tell her that I loved her when a doctor burst into the room.

He announced that Courtney was no longer ill and was not in any danger of dying.  Without saying a word, she got out of bed and walked out of the room.  The other people followed her while I sat on the bed confused.  Instead of going after her, I called her cell phone but she didn’t answer.  I tried a couple more times with no success.  I sent several text messages but no response.  It seemed like an eternity went by until I finally got a text from her that read, “Wanna catch a movie tonight?”

Patrick Warburton is a Bad Ass!

In this celebrity dream, I was in a small apartment with Patrick Warburton and Megyn Price (husband and wife on the sitcom Rules of Engagement).  They had just bought the place and were setting up their bedroom.  However, instead of one large bed, they were assembling two very small twin beds on opposite sides of the room, which I thought was strange.  Next thing I knew, I was outside looking at the front of the apartment complex.

 

 

One of their neighbors came out of his apartment and was carrying some type of over-the-shoulder man bag.  He was immediately accosted by another man who was trying to steal his man purse.  Then Patrick suddenly came out of his apartment, slowly walked up to the thief and head butted him twice, nearly knocking the guy unconscious.  He fell to the ground and Patrick quickly jumped on top of him and threw several blows down upon the guy’s face.  He finally picked up the guy and threw his lifeless body onto the street.  Patrick then walked back into his apartment.

Turning Hotdog Buns Into Donuts

In this funny donut dream, I owned an auto mechanic shop but quickly realized I was also selling donuts.  Apparently they were really good since everyone that came into the shop was there for the donuts, not to have their car repaired.  From what I could tell there was nobody making the donuts but there seemed to be an endless supply of them in a large stainless steel box.

Eventually, a customer told me we were running low on donuts.  I didn’t know quite what to do so I opened the steel box and saw a bunch of hot dog buns.  I grabbed a bun, kneaded it into a ball, and in a few seconds it turned into a delicious-looking donut.

Neon Boy Turns Into Neon Snake

In this bizarre snake dream, there was a group of kids sitting on their bikes in an open dirt area of a wooded park.  One of the boys biked away from the group, crossed over a small wooden bridge and then got off his bike.  As he was walking his head turned different neon colors: pink, orange, blue, etc.

He then walked up a small hill and morphed into a large black python, but his skin was still changing colors.  He eventually slithered into a small cave at the top of the hill and I found myself in there with him.  However, he was a little kid again and was sitting on a nest of snake eggs.

Uncomfortable Threesome

In this dream, I was sitting on a couch with a girl I didn’t know, but apparently she was my girlfriend.  She was telling me how broke she was and I remember her saying she only had $38 in her savings account.  Sitting to my left was an ex-girlfriend of mine and I felt really uncomfortable, since the two of them had never met.

My girlfriend started going into detail with my ex about things she that turned her on when we were getting physical.  My ex-girlfriend then started to share stories of her own about when I dated her.  At this point I got up and said, “I’ll let you two talk, I’m out of here.”

A Hole in the Door and a Sword in my Chest

In this scary dream, I was in my apartment sleeping when I was awoken by a noise coming from right outside my front door.  I got up to check it out and was shocked to see that a small hole had been cut in my door and a hand was reaching in to try and undue the lock.  The person must have heard me and quickly jerked their hand away.  A couple of seconds later a large sword was thrust through the hole and the blade just missed my stomach.

I grabbed his wrist and started pulling hard and he dropped the sword.  However, he was able to free up his hand and pulled it back through.  Knowing he didn’t have his weapon, I bent down to look through the hole and immediately another blade was coming toward my right eye.  I pulled back and the blade missed my face but hit me square in the chest and I woke up instantly.

Stepping on Knives and Throwing Scissors

In this strange dream, I was running through the woods with some guy I didn’t know, chasing after my brother and a group of his friends.  I thought it was perhaps a recreational event – like capture the flag or paintball – until I stepped on the handle of a large hunting knife and it flew straight up, nearly piercing my face.  As I kept running, I stepped on a few more knives with the same result every time.  We stopped and the guy said, “Let me take care of this.”

Before I could object, he had doused a rag with gasoline and lit it on fire.  He then threw the flaming rag in the direction of my brother and his friends.  When the rag landed it triggered a huge explosion so we walked off in the other direction.  As we were walking we looked down at a parking lot and saw the group of guys getting into one of their SUVs.  We were at least 100 yards away but with all my might a chucked a pair of scissors at them.  Surprising, they made it to the parking lot and landed close to them.  However, they didn’t even notice and got in their car and drove away.

I’m Skiing….No Wait, I’m Flying

In this cool flying dream, I was at the Heavenly Valley ski resort in South Lake Tahoe, ready for a day of skiing.  It was Spring time so there was not a lot of snow, especially at the base of the mountain.  As I skied further down the hill, there was less and less snow until I was eventually skiing on dirt.  To my left there was a steep drop off but the mountain was covered in fresh snow and there was lots of it.

I decided to ski down this terrain and eventually went over this small jump.  Once I got elevated I kept climbing higher until I was flying over the large pine trees.  I flew for a while until I was eventually over Lake Tahoe and then I started to descend quickly.  I landed in the lake and glided across the water until I quickly hit the shore, which turned out to be the base of the ski resort.

No San Francisco Street Signs in New York

In this funny dream, I was driving in NY City with my parents and we were completely lost.  We wanted to get back to California and were looking for road signs to San Francisco but of course didn’t see any.  I pulled off on an exit, which led us to a golf course.  I was on the first tee box with an older guy who was getting ready to tee off.  The hole was ominous as you had to drive over a massive canyon and the fairway on the other side was narrow and covered with sand traps.  The guy teed off with an 8 iron and hit his ball into the canyon.  His caddy suggested he club up and handed him a 7 iron.  The guy then hit his second shot into the canyon.

Then I was back in the car driving.  Even though we were in NY, the streets were extremely hilly and I was catching air since I was driving way too fast.  I blew past an exit that my Dad was convinced was the one we needed to take to get back to California.  He said, “Damn it, that was our exit!  Don’t you know where you’re going?”  I sarcastically replied, “No Dad, I was born in Northern California.  Remember?  You were there.”

Bridge Over Troubled Waters

In this strange dream, I was standing on the ledge of a large bridge with a good friend of mine.  We were about 100 feet up and were planning on jumping into the river below.  I could see lots of rocks and there were some shallow parts of the water so picking the right place to land was essential.  Without hesitation, my friend jumped and landed in a deep part of the river.  He yelled at me to hurry up and jump.

I decided I didn’t want my keys in my pocket so I threw them down to him.  They landed about 10 feet away from him and instantly sank so he dove down and retrieved them.  I was nervous but decided to just close my eyes, jump and hope for the best.  Next thing I knew I was in a deep part of the water, floating next to my friend.  I looked up at the bridge and it was now much smaller and only about 10 feet above the river.

Check Out Those Cans!

In this bizarre dream, I was driving on the freeway and to the right of me was a beat up flatbed pick-up truck.  The back of the truck was completely filled with aluminum cans and an attractive woman was sitting on top of them.  Of course some cans kept falling out onto the freeway and every time this happened, the driver would stop so the woman could get out and pick them up.  For some reason I stopped every time as well.

Next thing I knew, I was inside a garage with the woman and the man who was driving the truck.  They each grabbed one can from the back of the truck and set them upright on the cement floor.  In unison they jumped up and landed on top of their respective can in hopes of crushing them.  The cans didn’t budge so both of them were now balancing on top of their respective can.  I asked them, “Can I help you crush some cans?”  The woman replied curtly, “Don’t even think about touching our cans.”

New Shoes and Old Scotch

In this funny dream, I was riding in a car with my parents on a frontage road in my hometown in Northern California. My Dad was driving, my Mom was in the passenger seat and I was in the back by myself. My Dad suddenly decided that he needed to be on the freeway so he stepped on the gas and drove onto the sidewalk. Further up ahead on the sidewalk I saw written in bright orange letters the word, “jump,” which I thought was weird. Once my Dad drove on this “word” the car was immediately ejected into the air. We flew over a chain-linked fence and landed safely in the slow lane of the freeway and we were instantly moving at the same speed as the flow of traffic.

We got off the next exit and I noticed some very strange houses: one row of houses were all perched on 20-foot high metal poles and another group of houses were all very tall and narrow but also very curvy and painted in bright colors. We drove past them and ended up at a mall since my Dad wanted to buy some new sneakers. As we were walking through the mall he saw a bar and decided instead he was in the mood for some Scotch, which I thought was unusual since I had never seen my Dad drink Scotch before.

Millionaire Arms Dealer

In this action-packed dream, I was sitting outside a warehouse trying to figure out a way to get in, since I suspected there were arms dealers inside.  I was wearing all camouflage clothes and my face was painted black and green but I didn’t have any weapons.  I found an unlocked door and slowly opened it and quietly inched my way into the warehouse.

Inside there were dozens of rows of stacked wooden crates and I assumed they were all filled with illegal weapons.  Behind some nearby crates I heard some men talking so I made my way towards the source.  When I got close enough to see them, I was shocked to see that one of the guys was a good friend of mine and he was clearly in charge of the operation.  With him were two large henchmen equipped with automatic rifles.  One of the henchmen spotted me and they both started running towards me so I sprinted in the opposite direction.  I temporarily lost them so I climbed up to the top of a large stack of crates so I could attack them once they got close.

Then suddenly the crates came tumbling down and I fell hard onto the cement floor.  Before I knew what had happened, the two men had picked me up by my arms and were dragging me away.  They eventually sat me down on a small wooden chair and then my buddy appeared before me.   I said to him, “This is quite an operation you have here.”  To that he replied, “I plan to be a millionaire by January.”

The Dolphin Sea Lion King

In this funny dream, I was in a cave with an ex-girlfriend of mine.  We were sitting around a small fire talking when she asked me if I was dating anyone.  I told her I had met someone special, that we had been dating for a while and that I was very happy.  I could see this upset her so she quickly announced she was dating an awesome guy too, but I was sure she had made it up.

Then from outside the cave I heard faint sounds of someone screaming in excitement.  I ran outside the cave, looked up and saw this guy skateboarding down the side of a steep rocky mountain.  He was moving fast down the hill and eventually jumped right over me and the mouth of the cave.  When he landed he propelled himself off his skateboard and plunged into the large river that was at the base of the mountain.

He was submerged for a bit of time and when he finally surfaced, he was sitting on the back of what looked like a cross between a dolphin and a sea lion.  The strange animal glided gracefully across the water and brought the guy to shore.  When he got off the dolphin sea lion, he gently patted it on the head a few times and then it happily swam away.  My ex-girlfriend suddenly appeared at the mouth of the cave and said, “That’s my boyfriend.”

Laptop Roulette

In this crazy dream, I was hanging out in a bedroom with another guy I didn’t know.  I was sitting on the bed and he was sitting at a wooden desk typing on his laptop, which had an abnormally large screen.  I was accusing him of stealing my laptop – not the one he was working on – but he denied it adamantly.  I didn’t believe him so I pulled out a large silver revolver and fired a bullet through the middle of the screen.

Goin' Down to Southpark

In this very weird dream, I was with the kids from the TV show South Park but they were in human form, not cartoons.  We were crouched behind some shrubs, hiding from what looked the blob.  It was black, slimy and enormous and had two really big eyes.  It spotted us and quickly slithered towards us, so we ran into a nearby house.

We had a plan to kill the blob by putting tablets of heartburn medicine into one of those little black tubes that holds film and then filling it up with water.  We did this and then shook the small container vigorously.  We opened the front door of the house and the blob was in the front lawn, looking right at us.  Somebody yelled, “Now!” and I held up the film container and it shot out red laser beams directly into the eyes of the blob.  It screeched and then fell to ground dead.

Castration Camp

In this nightmare, my friends and I were driving in an older American muscle car – I was sitting in the back seat by myself – heading to the foothills for a weekend getaway.  I didn’t know where we were going but my friends assured me I would like the place, which they described as a small mountain town where we could just relax.  After driving for a while, we turned onto a dirt road and drove for a little bit longer.  I could see some small, log-cabin like buildings and what started to resemble a town.  As we got closer, I saw a big overhanging wooden sign that read, “Castration Camp.”

I freaked out and tried to open the doors but I couldn’t.  My friends told me to relax and that everything was okay because I had an appointment.  As we got further into the little town, I saw people walking around carrying what looked like giant fingernail clippers, which I assumed was their castration tool.  I panicked and busted one of the back passenger windows and frantically made my way out of the car.  I ran like hell but then heard gun shots.  I looked over my shoulder and saw a few of the town folk shooting at me with rifles so I just kept running until I got to the main road.

Yankees Vs. Rangers

In this crazy dream, I was standing in the dugout at a baseball game where the scoreboard indicated the NY Yankees were playing the Texas Rangers.  However, the field was a little league field and all of the players were between the ages of 10 and 12 years old, except for Josh Hamilton, who is the center fielder for the Texas Rangers.  He was standing in the outfield and a couple of balls were hit to him and he made the catch and fired the ball back in.  Since all the infielders were little leaguers, they of course couldn’t catch the balls he was throwing to them.

Then another ball was hit pretty well to him and he started joking out loud about how he was going to make the catch and how good he was.  Then the ball flew 10 feet over his head and he leisurely ran after it, even though his teammates were yelling at him to hustle.  As he got to the ball, he just started skipping around it and never threw it in.

Bed, Bath and Way Beyond

In this strange dream, I was bicycling on a quiet downtown street behind a white Jeep Wrangler.  The Jeep wasn’t going that fast but the driver lost control and the car flipped upside down and then rolled a few times.  When it came to a stop, the driver got out and I asked him if he was ok and if I should call 911.  He said he was fine and that he was just a little drunk.  As we were talking, a red Jeep Wrangler drove by us and got into a similar end-over-end accident.

The guy then saw a Bed, Bath & Beyond store and got all excited and said we should go shopping.  I realized he was gay when we got into the store and he screamed in excitement like a little girl.  He ran off in one direction and I went my own way and found my girlfriend sitting at a table having coffee with a woman I work with.  She completely ignored me so I left the store and got on my bike.

As I was biking home, I needed to find a way to cross the freeway and came upon a cop who pointed me in the right direction.  But when I got to where he directed me to go, it was a small canal that went over the freeway.  I had to float down it but on both sides of the canal were poor people of all ages spitting at me.

Bank Robbery

In this strange dream, I was standing guard in the lobby of a bank while another small group of guys were robbing it.  There was nobody else in the bank besides us but a woman tried to come in through the front door but I told her the bank was closed.  She didn’t seem fazed that I was wearing a black ski mask and just walked away.  I then went to help the other guys gather up the cash.  We didn’t go to the vaults or registers but were on top of the counters, ripping open large white plastic garbage bags that were packed with cash.  We transferred the money to our own big duffle bags and walked all around the bank and dismantled any security devices that could potentially link us to the robbery.

Then suddenly we were no longer in the bank but rather someone’s house; however, we kept walking around smashing things, such as phones and a microwave oven.  We also booby trapped the doors so that if anyone came into the house from the outside, it would set off a bomb.  The cops, SWAT team and FBI all showed up and came in through the front door but it didn’t trigger the bomb.  They also didn’t know we were the thieves so they secured the place and proceeded to set up shop.  They brought in desks and hooked up phones and computers and we were helping them the entire time.  After we got them all set up and said our goodbyes, we walked out the front door and when we slammed it shut behind us, the house blew up.

Motorcycle Delivery

In this weird dream, I was driving in my car up this winding road in a nice residential neighborhood.  The houses looked familiar to me, especially the huge colorful ones at the very top of the hill.  I think I had perhaps seen them in another dream.  When I got to the top they weren’t houses at all, but huge car ports made to look like homes to the people looking up at them from the base of the hill.

I kept driving and it suddenly became dark outside.  The road quickly came to a dead end so I stopped the car.  About 10 feet in front of me fireworks started shooting up in the air.  A motorcycle then came flying over my car and skidded to a screeching halt right behind me.  I got out to see what was going on and this huge guy in all black leather got off the bike and said, “Here’s your motorcycle.”

Asian Wrap

In this funny dream, I was in a small bedroom – might have been in a hospital – with a dead Asian man who was lying on his back in a twin bed underneath the sheets.  His face was completely pale but to make sure he was in fact dead, I checked his pulse by grabbing his wrist.  He had no pulse so I tried wrapping him up in the sheets with the intent of disposing of his body.  The door suddenly flew open and three naked and very attractive Asian women poured into the room and the dead Asian man instantly sat up in the bed.

Hillbilly Hoop Dreams

In this bizarre dream, I was walking up a small grassy hill and saw a bunch of backwoods hillbillies – perhaps inbreeds – playing basketball on the hillside.  There wasn’t a basketball court but they didn’t seem to care, even though the ball kept bouncing down the hill.  There was one guy who stood out from the others since he was in a police uniform and looked normal.  For some reason I knew he had recently won a $59 million law suit and that these hillbillies were working for him illegally.

I sat in the dirt watching them play and noticed a black wallet half buried in the ground.  There was lots of cash in it so I quickly put it in my pocket.  Then I noticed money all over the ground and frantically stuffed the bills down my pants until I saw some hillbillies coming my way.  There was a house nearby so I quickly walked towards it and then I found myself in the garage doing bicep curls.  A few hillbillies walked by me, all carrying wads of crumpled up cash.

The River Wild

In this weird dream, I was swimming upstream in a massive river that was producing ocean-like waves.  Like a determined salmon, I plowed through wave after wave and finally got to a slow part of the river and got out to rest.  As I sat there, I saw a guy sitting on a large rock in the middle of the river with the water rushing by him on both sides.

He stuck his hand in the river and the water to his left almost came to a standstill.  To his right, he created a massive wave-like ramp and a few guys were surfing down the river and jumping off it.  Some guys were also body surfing over it and since I didn’t have a surfboard, I thought I’d give that a try.  When I got back into the water, the current immediately took me off in the opposite direction and I got sucked down the rapids and tumbled over a bunch of massive rocks.

Bye Bye Birdie

In this crazy dream, I was standing in the living room of a cabin with a woman I didn’t know.  We kept hearing a chirping sound coming from a book case and then suddenly a small bird flew out from behind the books.  It was flying frantically around the living room, trying to find a way outside.  It eventually landed on the carpet and turned into a red ping pong paddle that was missing the handle.

The woman grabbed two pots from the kitchen and scooped up the ping pong paddle and dropped it over the back deck, expecting it to turn back into a bird and fly away.  It just fell to the ground below but after a few seconds, it turned back into a bird.  It then flew up to the deck railing and perched there but a huge hawk flew out of a nearby tree and snatched it up.

Half-Naked Freeway Sunbathers

In this somewhat erotic dream, I was driving on a freeway in the fast lane but I was the only car on the road.  Up ahead to my left I saw a lot of black smoke so I slowed down a bit.  As I got closer I saw flames right off the freeway and some fireman trying to put out the fire with hoses that weren’t attached to anything.  I swerved around them since they were standing in the middle of the left lane.

To my right was some burning debris and once I navigated through that mess, I noticed there were half-naked women sunbathing all over the freeway.  There were at least 10 of them spread out across the pavement on beach towels, all with long black hair, very tan, and wearing only black lacey underwear and bras.

Burn Notice

In this funny dream, I was hanging out with super spies Michael Westin and Fiona, the main characters on the TV show Burn Notice.  In order for Michael to get close to a bad guy he was trying to catch, he had to pretend to be a plane expert.  The plan was for Fiona to build an airplane so he could take the perp for a ride and earn his trust.  When the guy came over to Michael’s house he said, “Is that your plane over there?”, pointing to the side yard.  We all simultaneosly looked over and saw a bright orange, miniature blimp sitting there.

Bass Guitar Hero

In this strange dream, I was on a large stage playing bass guitar in an all base guitar band.  The spotlights were so bright that I couldn’t see the crowd but we were jamming nonetheless.  We didn’t have a lead singer or drummer and we only played bass guitar solos.  I was watching another guy on stage play for a while, waiting for my turn to rock out on my bass guitar.  When he was done, I went right into my solo.

My fingers were moving so fast on the guitar neck that it looked like there were two hands on it.  My other hand was plucking the thick strings furiously and I must have played for five minutes.  When I was done I thought to myself, “Wow, that was awesome since I’ve never played bass guitar before in my life.”  Then the bright spotlights turned off so we could see what we thought would be a huge cheering crowd.  However, we were in a hotel conference room with a bunch of older guys in suits, sitting in classroom style desks, taking notes.

Baseketball

In this funny dream, I was sitting in the right field bleachers at a New York Yankees baseball game but the stadium was very small.  I had my baseball glove on and had caught two balls that were hit into the bleachers.  Next thing I knew, I was inside a small gymnasium watching Jason Segel (Marshall on the sitcom How I Met Your Mother) shooting hoops by himself.  He was also trying to dunk the basketball and I was laughing at him because he couldn’t do it.  He said to me, “I’ll bet you can’t even touch the rim bro.”

Without saying a word, I walked onto the court and grabbed a basketball and dribbled quickly towards the hoop.  I wasn’t sure if I was going to jump off my left leg or right leg but when I got close to the rim, I planted myself and jumped off both legs.  In slow motion I kept moving higher and higher until my head was well above the rim.  I dunked the ball with authority and hung on the rim for a few seconds.  I dropped to the floor and walked back to the bleachers and grabbed my glove and two baseballs.  I opened a metal door that I thought was leading back to the baseball stadium but when I walked through it, I was in a residential neighborhood that I didn’t recognize.

Snow Sledding

In this fun dream, I was at a ski resort near the bottom of a steep mountain.  However, people weren’t skiing but sledding down the hill in blue plastic sleds.  Right in front of me were two fairly large jumps made of snow, one right after the other.  I watched a few people sled down the mountain and go over both jumps and land safely in a bank of snow right after the second jump.

Next thing I knew I was sledding down the hill, heading towards the first jump.  I hit the jump and flew thru the air and then landed, not losing any speed at all.  I hit the second jump and as I was in the air, I flew onto a small wooden deck and skidded across it and slammed into a large net that was made of thick rope.

Tiger Golf

In this crazy dream, I was playing golf with Tiger Woods as part of a publicity stunt he put together to win back his fans, even though there were very few people watching us and it wasn’t being televised.  We played a few holes together and I was pounding cans of beer like they were going out of style, since I was a little nervous.  He commented to me, “Dude, you need to slow down on the booze,” but I kept drinking.

We were about to tee off over a large lake when then this huge black snack thrashed out of the water.  It must have been five stories tall and ten-feet wide.  It sprung out of the lake and slithered across the fairway towards some golfers who were screaming and running for their lives.  We watched the enormous snake terrorize a bunch more people and then it went back into the water and submerged.  We proceeded to tee off and hit our balls over the lake like nothing happened.

Unlawful Entry

In this nightmare, I was asleep in my apartment late at night and heard my front door handle start to jiggle.  I quietly walked over and looked through the peep hole and saw an eyeball trying to peer inside.  It startled me so I jumped back while still trying to keep quiet.  The intruder was able to pick the outside lock but luckily I have a deadbolt that is only accessible through the inside of my apartment.  I was freaked out at this point but also figured there was no way he would be able to get inside.  He then slammed his body into the door, trying to knock it down.  The doorframe started to split so I completely panicked and called 911.

Next thing I knew I was outside on the street talking to a cop, explaining the attempted break-in to him.  We quickly walked up the stairs to my apartment and saw the guy still charging at my front door.  The cop ran up to him, put a cardboard box over his head, bear hugged him and gently said, “It’s okay, you’re a good kid.”

Rams & Patriots

In this weird dream, I was walking on a beach with one of my brothers and we started to hike up a small sand dune.  Off in the distance to our right was a golf course on an enormous mountain.  There was an amazingly long par 5 that went miles up the mountain side and I said to my brother, “Wow, that’s a doozy of a hole!”  We kept walking along a narrow sandy trail and came upon a bright green ram that wanted to play fetch.  I threw a small stick down the hill and he went after it and brought it back to me.

We kept walking and came to a cliff ledge where the New England Patriots football team were practicing.  The football was hiked to Tom Brady and suddenly I was playing defense.  Without missing a beat, I aggressively rushed Tom and just as I was about to tackle him, I realized he was a cardboard cutout.  As I tackled him, my momentum carried me over the cliff towards the ocean below.

Flame Thrower

In this weird dream, I was at an ex-girlfriend’s house, attending her birthday party.  She was yelling at me and blamed me for ruining her party, even though everyone seemed to be having a good time.  Next thing I knew I had a flame thrower and was dousing some guy who was wearing a rubber suit and shooting water guns at me.

Melting Away

In this strange dream, I was in someone’s garage where a guy was cutting the brake lines on his wife’s car.  The brake fluid quickly covered the cement floor and then three attractive women walked into the garage.  They immediately slipped and fell to the floor and then slowly melted away until there was nothing left of them.

Kickball Bully

In this funny dream, I was playing kickball and a girl on my team kicked the big red rubber ball to the third baseman, who threw it to first base.  It went past the first baseman so she kept running towards second base but slipped and fell.  The first basement picked up the ball and threw it to the second basemen, who was an absolutely huge guy with white spiked hair.  He caught it and tagged her out on her legs, then he tagged her out a second time by slamming the ball into her face.  Our whole team ran onto the field to yell at the guy and I said, “Dude, what’s up with the second tag?”  He didn’t reply so I gave him serious stink eye as I walked off the field.

I was then watching the huge second basemen and a guy from our team play ping pong.  I was still giving him stink eye and he told me to go f@#k myself.  I was then outside walking next to him and he said to me, “You’re not bad at kickball….for a girl.”  I laughed obnoxiously at this and told him that was so funny because I’m a guy but I play like a girl.  I told some people around me what he said while still laughing like it was the funniest thing I’d ever heard.  He was about to say something to me but I cut him off and said, “Don’t say anything funny, I’m still enjoying that last joke,” and kept laughing hysterically.

Guitar Hero

In this funny dream, I was playing acoustic guitar for a rap band during a live concert in what appeared to be an abandoned warehouse.  We were on a large stage and the place was packed with a lot of cheering people.  There were a couple of other guys playing guitar too and they seemed like they knew what they were doing.  However, I was just strumming a few of the same chords over and over again but neither the band members or the crowd seemed to notice.  Plus I was sitting down for some reason so I was virtually out of sight.  Even though it was a rap band, we started playing a Metallica song but I just kept strumming my guitar.  The lead guitarist completely butchered the introductory guitar riff so the crowd booed us and they all quickly left the building.

Val Kilmer

In this weird dream, the actor Val Kilmer was buried up to his waste in dried cement and I was throwing baseballs at him from a fairly short distance.  I was throwing as hard as I could and the radar gun behind him was clocking me at 93 miles per hour.  Every ball I threw hit him square in the chest and he just kept laughing at me and saying, “Is that all you got?”

Cave Lizard

In this dream, I was in a small raft floating on a slow-moving river in a huge cave.  I then found myself on a rocky ledge with another guy, trying to hide from a gigantic lizard that was coming towards us.  The lizard’s baby was also on the ledge with us so it’s Mom freaked out and ate the other guy.

Scorpions at the Beach

In this bizarre dream, I was on vacation in Florida for several days with an old college buddy and someone else I didn’t know.  For some reason, we could never get to the beach to lay out and enjoy the sun and the ocean, even though that was the main reason for our trip.  It was our last day there but we decided to stay one more day in hopes of getting to the beach.  When we finally got there, the entire beach was covered with gigantic crabs that sort of looked like scorpions.

Eject!

In this fun dream, I was lounging on a chair on the back deck of a large house that was perched high atop a mountain.  I was enjoying the view of a lake off in the distance, which looked like Lake Tahoe but it was hard to tell since I was so high up.  Suddenly my chair ejected me over the deck railing and I was free falling and thought death was certain.  I frantically moved my arms like a swimmer doing the breast stroke and realized I was not falling anymore, but flying.

While I kept doing this move, I was getting closer to the lake and further away from the house.  I eventually got to the point where I knew I was going to crash and when I did, I landed butt first into a very shallow part of the lake.  I just listlessly skipped across the water and came to a stop on a small beach.

Another Golf Dream

In this strange golf dream, I was on the fairway of a golf course getting ready to hit my second shot to the green.  For some reason, I was playing left-handed even though I’m a righty.  I sized up my shot, which was 298 yards away and I had to clear a lake to get it safely on the green.  I suddenly realized that I wasn’t a lefty and decided to hit a layup shot from the right side.  As I took my club back to take a full swing, it kept hitting a couch that was right behind me.  I kept moving my ball away from the couch but other things kept popping up behind me and restricting my swing.  I was eventually able to take a half swing and hit two balls into the lake.

Office Space

In this crazy dream, I was at work in my office but it was located on a small air field. I was doing an online fantasy football draft but could only see a white hologram of my friend giving me the finger on my computer monitor. Then two stunning blonde women and one man came into my office and told me of an accounting error that I needed to know about. While they were explaining the details, the women’s blouses kept shrinking and they could barely keep their breasts from falling out. With this distraction, I only remember that the error would benefit the company by $150M but not until the year 2070.

Then people came pouring into my office and suddenly the room was filled with about a dozen people I didn’t know. Then from my computer came the sounds of cheering, since the fantasy football draft was still going on. I frantically tried to turn off my computer but couldn’t do it. I could still see the hologram of my friends hand so I reached into the monitor and pulled off a blue, button-up shirt he was wearing.

Field Of Dreams

In this funny dream, I was at a professional baseball game sitting in the seats behind home plate, even though apparently I was playing for one of the teams. The game was also being played at my old High School baseball field. I was sitting next to a girl in the stands behind home plate when the Chicago White Sox ran onto the field and she commented, “Wow, I love their uniforms.” To that I replied, “Ours are even better,” even though I had no idea what team I played for. My teammates then ran out onto the field and their uniforms were a faded pastel blue and completely torn to shreds. I was about to say something to her but I realized I wasn’t wearing a shirt at all.

Flash Flood

In this strange dream, I was walking through a little town that resembled the village where the hobbit’s lived in the movie Lord of the Rings. The rolling hills were very green and covered with moss, lush bushes and small trees. All of the streets were made of stone and the buildings were very old. I was on a business trip with my boss but then ended up with my ex-girlfriend, who had blonde hair instead of her normal black hair.

We were sitting outside at a little restaurant on top of a small hill, looking down on the main street of the town. Suddenly the streets started flooding with several feet of water and the parked cars were floating away. I specifically remember a flattened, light blue Porsche Carerra floating down the street.

Auckland

In this surreal dream, I was outside at a restaurant at the base of an enormous mountain in Auckland, New Zealand. The mountain went as high as I could see and then disappeared into the clouds. There were two huge yellow slides that also went up the mountain and into the clouds. I got on the gondola that was taking people to the top of the mountain so they could ride the slides down. When I finally got to the top, I was inside another restaurant where I was the guest speaker at a deaf person convention. I looked out into the crowd and saw George Costanza (from Seinfeld) and quickly ran off the stage.

I then got in line to ride the slide but when I got to the front, people were getting into red cylinder cages and the slide was actually a roller coaster. I got in the cage and off I went. I was moving down the mountain at blinding speeds, going through cork screw turns and huge loops. I looked to my left and could see people on the other slide, also in a red cage, mimicking my every move. As I got near the base of the mountain, I was no longer in the red cage but sliding on my butt down a big yellow slide.

Outdoor Strippers

In this crazy dream, it was late at night and I was walking down a street in a large city and for some reason I was wearing a suit. There were lots of people on the sidewalk and in the streets but no cars. It didn’t look like the safest neighborhood so I was a little scared. But I kept walking and came to an outdoor strip club that was in a parking lot with a tarp over it. I recognized a buddy of mine so I figured I would stay for a bit and check out the entertainment.

I went for some money in my wallet and didn’t have any and my ATM card was missing. I searched for a bank but couldn’t find one and then I came across a guy in a small booth who said he could get me money, but only $256. I took the money and started walking back to the strip club. I then saw two guys running down the street, coming towards me pretty quickly. They ran by me as one guy was clearly chasing the other guy. He eventually caught him and a fight broke out. Not liking violence I kept walking away from the fight but could hear people cheering.  After a long time I heard a guy say, “OK, break it up.”

Good Fellas

In this crazy dream, I was on the second floor of a two-story seedy motel, running from the mob.  Apparently I was supposed to protect somebody from a mob hit in one of the motel rooms.  I ran down the stairs as a mobster was chasing after me.  I was then on my belly in the parking lot, next to a large water fountain, trying to hide from Joe Pesci.  He was on his cell phone and walking slowly around the fountain, talking to someone about killing me.

I kept sliding around the fountain on my belly, trying to keep him from seeing me.  Then I slowly slid all the way down the parking lot and was completely out of his sight.  I then found myself on the second floor again looking down at Joe Pesci who was taking a dump in the parking lot.  I struck a match and flung it on his poo and he caught on fire and died.

Wheelie Time

In this funny dream, I was in a friend’s kitchen but nothing looked familiar to me. It was a lot smaller and the décor, along with every appliance, seemed to be from the 1970’s. My friend was cooking four different things at once on the stove top and then suddenly the whole stove started shaking violently. I then heard the loud roar of an engine and turned around to see another two friends sitting on this huge motorcycle in the hallway of the house. The back wheel was thick and as big as a tractor tire but the front tire was tiny. The rear fender well was painted obnoxious neon colors and the whole bike looked ridiculous. They revved up the engine and tore off down the hallway and eventually out onto the street.

My friend and I quickly followed. It was then I noticed another small set of tires that were coming off the back of the bike. They kind of looked like training wheels but were connected by two long metal rods so the wheels were a good 10 feet behind the bike. I realized they were there to keep the bike stable so they could pop wheelies without crashing the bike. They rode around in the street for a while - in wheelie form only - and I finally asked, “Is that thing street legal?”

Vegas, Baby!

In this weird dream, I was at a DMV office in Las Vegas but I was there looking at a kiosk that had some pictures of a girl I used to date. They were pretty revealing pictures and I recall she was wearing a sexy red dress. Next I was walking down the Vegas strip trying to get back to my hotel. I was tired of walking and couldn’t find a taxi but saw a water slide that apparently went to my hotel. The water slide was going up a hill but I still jumped head first into it and the water powered me up the slide and dumped me right into my hotel lobby.

In the lobby was a group of girls, including the girl from the kiosk pictures. I started talking to them and mentioned the pictures I had just seen. The girl I dated didn’t seem too concerned about them but some random guy that overheard our conversation flipped out and said he would see to it that the pictures would be removed. He borrowed a light blue, 1960-something Mustang from a group of strangers and was gone for a while. He eventually came back and pulled me aside and said, “No worries bro, it’s been taken care of.”

I Killed a Cat

In this crazy dream, I was in a large raft on a river getting ready for a day of white water rafting. There was a large group of people with me but we each had our own raft, which were equipped with motors. The guide gave us detailed instructions on how to use the motor so we practiced going forwards and backwards for a while. Once we were all comfortable using the motors, we floated off into the river. I fell behind the group and noticed the river had turned into a theme park water slide and everyone was on inner tubes but I was still on my raft. I gunned my motor and caught up to the group and the only thing that was on my mind was, “Damn, my motor is going to rip apart this water slide.” That worry went away as I was now on an inner tube.

We all came out of the water slide and were back in our rafts, floating in a slow part of the river and coming up to a dam. We were all equipped with rifles at this point and the guide told us we had to shoot over the dam….at what I don’t know. A couple people shot and hit the dam so I aimed my gun up high towards a tree - hoping to shoot over the dam - and pulled the trigger. I heard everyone gasp since I had shot a bird, which fell out of the tree and into the middle of an outdoor restaurant. A huge group gathered by the bird and someone yelled, “It’s just a cat” and everyone laughed and went back to eating. The dead cat lay there for a while and then suddenly sprung to life and ran down a hallway, playing with another cat.

Golf Dream

In this golf dream, I was on the first tee at a golf course in Carmel, CA, ready to hit my first drive. When I went to hit my ball, I noticed it wasn’t on a tee but on top of an eye drop bottle so of course the ball kept falling off. I eventually teed it up on the flat side of a tiny golf pencil and was ready to swing the club. The tee box then became really small and every time I tried to start my backswing, the club would hit an obstruction behind me, mainly trees and bushes. I finally got a half swing in and hit the ball poorly into the distance.

As I went to look for it, there were literally hundreds of balls where I thought I hit mine. After searching for what seemed like an eternity, I found it and quickly hit it again as the people behind me were pissed that I was playing slowly. I had the same problem trying to find my second shot as it landed in another sea of golf balls. I eventually found it in a large wooden planter next to some ladies sitting in lawn chairs, sipping iced teas.

Crocosaur

In this strange dream, I was driving on a desolate, winding road when it started absolutely dumping snow. Not having tire chains and quickly losing use of my breaks, I listlessly slid into an empty parking lot and realized I was in some random little town. I didn’t see people but I saw a crummy house that was floating in the air, being held up by hundreds of strands of rope. I then found myself in the living room of this house with a little Asian man who sensed I had some sort of higher mind power. There were a few other guys in the room with me but I don’t recall what they looked like.

There were also 3 large throw pillows in the room and we were told to stare at them and with the power of our minds, turn them into something else. I stared intently and one of the pillows turned into a huge, blue and green crocodile but it looked more like a stuffed animal, or maybe even claymation……but it was snarling and a little scary. It kept morphing into a dinosaur - maybe a T-Rex but it resembled other types of dinosaurs as well. It was still blue and green but a lot bigger than the crocodile and it started coming towards me aggressively. The little Asian man yelled, “That’s enough!” and I lost concentration and the dinosaur turned back into a throw pillow.

Rules of Engagement?

In this funny dream, I was on a large boat with Patrick Warburton and Megyn Price (husband and wife on the sitcom Rules of Engagement) but they were dogs, yet somehow I still knew who they were. I don’t recall what type of dog he was - maybe a Pit Bull - but she was definitely a Cocker Spaniel with blonde floppy ears and a pink bow in her hair. They turned back into their human form and Patrick was swimming off the side of the boat, playing with some other dog in the water. I only recall looking at his balding head, thinking to myself, “Wow, he doesn’t seem that bald on TV.”